It’s windy again in the mountains and makes me want to hide inside. I had the idea of getting out and doing some gardening this weekend. Maybe later when it calms down a bit. It’s still early and I’m in bed hearing the wind and some cat yowling outside. Thumby (Mr. Kitty’s latest name) has been clawing at the screens at night and making me mad. I took most of them off so he can’t do it but it really pissed me off this morning. It’s warmer out now and he’s shedding a lot so he needs to get used to staying outside. He was always an outside cat before but this year when I got him I started letting him in to eat and he would stay in more and more until he was spending nights in the house. Now I’ve created a little monster. Hopefully it wont take too much time to break him of the idea. At least for the warm months he can be outside…. or maybe at least until after Paul visits as he is allergic to cats and I don’t want it to affect him when he comes. Ken, my roomate, cleaned the floors, table, futon and living room this week. I vacuumed the upstairs thoroughly. Maybe I’ll vacuum the end living room and clean my office floor today.
It’s been so long since I’ve written here. I haven’t been doing much general journaling, though sometimes I write in personal journals about what I’m learning specifically or going through emotionally. It’s been about a year since Paul and I have been separated and he’s been living in Missouri. I’m still in our big house out here, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends visiting or roomates. I’ve been renting Paul’s office out to the waterboard as an office, which my friend Bettina and now Charlotte works during the day. Bela, Bettina and the kids all moved to Missouri this winter to live on a little ranch with about 5 acres and ponds. I’ve never felt lonely up here even when I’m alone. Once I was snowed in for a week and my computer was down. I loved it, sitting by the wood burning stove, with Mr. Kitty, drinking tea and watching the snow fall. That was one of the best vacations I’ve had. A vacation at home… I would normally be tempted to do work if I were at home, but this time it was just 5 days of simple life, no computer. I don’t have TV either so it was so peaceful and good.
I knew when Paul and I separated that this was not happening so that I could get into another relationship. Everything happens as it’s supposed to and this is just another part of my journey. I love being single and having the freedom of that. I enjoy meeting people and this last year have been blessed to meet some new ones. Old friends and new ones have made this last year quite full. Much of the time they come to visit me up here in the mountains. My friends are good to me, cook and clean, are loving and smart and interesting. I feel so blessed.
If I think back to all of the friends new and old I’ve spent time with over the last year it really fills me up with warmth. Jessica, a friend I’ve known since kindergarten has visited a few times, a couple times with her baby boy. Russell, a friend of my friend Teddy who lives near Boston, came to live for about a month and a half and rented the guest room before moving down to Valencia where I’ve visited him a couple times now. He has a nice condo with a big pool and jacuzzi down there. Eve and Line spent about a week with their new baby Batice and we had such a nice time. Playing with the baby, dinner and wine by the fire, and Line showed me how to cut and sew t-shirts on my surger to make them have a cute girley fit. Thea from back east who I met on ACIMChat (A Course In Miracles chatroom that Robin, who I met in San Miguel, setup), along with her friend Nick from Austrailia, and Ken, who is now my roomate, all came to visit for a few days. They spoiled me with cooking and washing dishes, paying for groceries, gas and a trip to the Getty Museum. My uncle Mike and Nzinga, My cousin Jim, Gloria who lives out in Lockwood Valley and just got a job managing a thoroughbred breeding ranch, Justin, Leda’s friend who plays guitar and sings and helped me with planting the shrubs and flowers in the front yard after my neighbors moved away. So many nice neighbors too. Stan my neighbor who takes me out to eat from time to time and helped me by shredding up the fallen trees and brush. Kelly and Larry behind me with an indoor saltwater pool who let me use it whenever I want. It’s heated in the summer and fall and I would go jump in and swim sometimes as a break from work. Rick and Chrisy across the street are always so nice and have invited me over a couple of times and are always very friendly. Bob and Toni, always caring and concerned and nice to sit with at their ranch and talk about life with. So many have touched my life this last year and more I have not mentioned.
Work has been a bit of a struggle. Just trying to make enough to pay the bills and barely sliding by as credit card bills climb. I’ve learned to mostly not worry about it anymore. Life is too short and it’s out of my control really. I’m much happier just focusing on the moment and what I have now, which is always enough and more. I try to remember to be grateful for what I have and not worry over what seems to be lacking… which when I am focusing on what I do have, is really nothing. So who knows what will happen next. If I will stay in this house or we’ll sell it and I’ll live somewhere else has been a big question on my mind over the last year. Even that I’ve given up worrying about. Whatever happens, it will all work out. I’ll be fine, and maybe even love life more than I love it here in this house. I have tried to keep it and afford it, and it’s been tough even though Paul still helps me financially. He’s struggling too and it seems too much for us to maintain both houses. I wouldn’t mind lower monthly bills and getting some of my debt paid off and have even thought of living in a camper or trailer for a year or two to do that. Paul suggests I get a less expensive house in Lake of the Woods, and I do love a home but I’m not sure I want to get tied into that just yet. We’ll see. I would really love to pay off my debt before starting again.
Well it’s 8:30 am now and still windy. Maybe I’ll hang out with Ken a bit today and get some cleaning done. Ken and I often read together from the Course or other books on the subject of higher conscious, God, and awakening… which is becoming aware of where we place limits on ourselves and the world by our thinking, blocking awareness of truth and love by thoughts based on fear. A Course In Miracles has been my main course of study for the last year and I enjoy it thoroughly and though it’s not always easy, the awareness and peace I have gained from it has been invaluable.
